Anxiety or something like that

“People in general nowadays are so inspiring
I don’t know whether to feel like a potato or actually do something”
This is what Isha said to me the other day. We were talking about being inspired and inspiration and just life in general. We wanted to feel, in some way, a little less alone and little more okay with not being supermodels or teenage scientists or something.
We just wanted to be okay with being young. Not anxious.

So anxiety. I feel it every other day and so does every other person in the world. I feel that dull black static ebbing behind my eyes and that extra heart in my throat. I feel that rush on ice cold blood in my veins ever so often. My thoughts are loud but I can’t hear my mouth.
But I’ve never been able to figure out what I’ve been anxious about up until a few days ago. I’ve never been the kind of person who gets scared of a lot of things. I’ll just squeeze my eyes shut and throw myself info whatever it is I’m doing. It’s over before I know it and I’m okay again.

It’s like jumping into an ocean full of ice water. You dive in, eyes closed, nose pinched and it’s so cold at first, your body protests. Your lungs are on fire, and they burn, filled with water, so much cold cold water. You look up and you can see the golden rays of sunshine streaking the blue of the water.Then you swim up to the top, keeping your eyes on the sun and you tear through the surface, gasping for air. Every breath is a greedy gasp, a lungful of air, you use your mouth to in suck in all the air in the universe.
I realised, recently that while being afraid isn’t going to change anything, more often than not all my anxiety is self created. I make up situations, I create problems, I push myself into the sea.

I don’t have to dive if I don’t want to.
This is probably the most important thing I’ve learnt this week.
No ones making to me do anything I don’t want to, and no one can.

Now here’s some delicious Taco Bell love for you:



2 thoughts on “Anxiety or something like that

  1. “extra heart in my throat” :’)

    (will stop stalking your blog now)

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